Hello. How are you? Actually, I'm only asking to be polite, as I know from experience that the majority of you are sallow, pallid, malnourished, unhappy little grouches. I honestly don't care how you are, but you probably don't care that I don't care. According to you, I'm a bloodthirsty evildoer intent on decimating cute and cuddly creatures all over the world.
Seriously, Vegans, who do you think you're kidding? You're so kind, so just, and so fucking evolved because you don't eat anything produced by a being that can blink. You're convinced that eating meat is cruel, and that by loving me some bacon, I'm participating in the worldwide slaughterhouse conspiracy to ruin the planet for tree nymphs like you. By not buying varying shapes of bean curd (it's just like you're eating meat, only squishy and tasteless!), I've become nothing more than a humanoid collection of carcasses.
Maybe the correct question isn't "who do you think you're kidding?" Maybe it's "what are you so afraid of?"
Look, it's not like the animal agriculture industry is ideal. I've seen the PETA videos, too. On the whole, the meat-producing industry in the United States is a giant, unsanitary, killing machine built with the single purpose of providing the worst quality for the cheapest price. I'll agree that most Americans are content to chaw on flavorless, factory-farmed crap as long as it costs less than a free-range chicken. Well, Vegans, I hate to burst your "I am so smart" bubble, but I'm not most Americans.
I'll gladly pay more for pork chops if they came from a fat, free-to-turn-around, grain-fed pig. I've got no problem with $3.00 extra if I know I'm not ingesting scary amounts of growth hormone. But even though these options are widely available in nearly every major city, you're still terrified of polluting yourself with meat or its by-products.
And speaking of polluting your bodies, what must you think of societies that evolved around the necessity of killing animals and eating them? Would you decry an indigenous village in the Amazon because they spear fish? What about a family in Nepal whose entire livelihood -- food, clothing, shelter -- depends on the yaks they raise? Are they somehow barbaric because they still depend on animals for sustenance? They might not have iPhones, but there's something to be said for a culture that has survived for a millennia without toilet paper. You have a full-on meltdown if Whole Foods doesn't carry your particular brand of spelt (don't lie, I've seen you).
How arrogant can you be?
Let's not stop at arrogance. How about joyless? Tell me with a modicum of honesty that any one of you actually gets excited about food. Foie gras (responsibly farmed, STFU about the torture of gavage because these geese come to be fed...that's one video PETA doesn't want you to see) has rendered me speechless, but I've never experienced a near-transcedental moment with mung beans. You're not monks, for Chrissakes. Don't act like shunning eggs is a holy act of sacrifice.
In case I've managed to offend vegetarians with this, I apologize. I know several vegetarians. I won't go to their barbecues, but they're decent people. They've chosen their path for health reasons or because they truly do care about animal rights. They're also not stupid enough to claim that a wool sweater was made from the exploitation of the noble sheep.
Vegans, do the world a favor and keep your eccentric fears about food to yourselves. Don't you scoff at me for my cheese, my omelets, my sirloins, or my floor-length mink coat (I kid, I kid). Don't claim to be silent until someone asks about your choice, either. I know a disapproving look when I see it.
I don't want your Tofurkey. I don't want your disdain. I don't want you at my table, either, because even the potatoes have pork fat in them.
Logo by Stu, available in T-shirt form at Threadless.